The Joy of Sexual Physics

                                                                        with Dr John

 "Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics"


Q  My boyfriend, Luke, and I have been going out for about six years now and inevitably an element of repetitiveness has crept into our bedroom antics. As a remedy to this situation, our therapist instructed us each to try something sexually adventurous in the next few months to heighten our passion. Nipple clamps, cock rings and bondage gear would have been the obvious choice, but Luke, who doesn’t like to do things by halves, gave himself an ampallang – a horizontal genital piercing straight through the centre of the head of his penis, shaped like a bell-bar. It took our months for the swelling to go down.

I, on the other hand, have become intrigued by your column on sexual physics, and am fascinated by the consequences of near luminal intercourse. I had to match the intensity of Luke’s genital piercing and so wanted to surprise him with the ideas of this new discipline, but felt I had better do my homework before introducing it to him. I’m just a little worried, you see, because I know that metal is a great conductor, and while I would love to turn that crowned trouser snake on like a light bulb, I have no intention on giving Willy the capital punishment in my love chamber. This is my half of the bargain, and I must take great care of charged rods, in every possible way.

So my question to you is, taking into account the theory of electrodynamics, what are the physical implications of genital piercings for intercourse approaching the speed of light? Are there any conditions under which this activity should be encouraged or discouraged?


A  Your concern for Luke’s ‘crowned trouser snake’ is admirable, and yes, there is a large body of theory regarding the implications of genital piercings on near luminal intercourse. However, as I will explain through the course of this reply, I have greater concerns for the community at large than for your friend Willy in this instance.

As you have correctly identified, the area of physics that describes the motion of electric charges through space is called electrodynamics. This is a subset of the theory of electromagnetism, which embodies all electric and magnetic phenomena. Electromagnetism is a relativistic theory, which means that it requires no corrections at relativistic speeds.

Now let us consider the ampallang and what will happen as Willy enters your ‘love chamber’ with his metal tool kit. Initially, the barbell will have no net charge. As a conductor, it is composed of a number of moving positive and negative charges that will, on average, cancel each other out. However, the Hall Effect for genital piercings predicts that the charge carriers in the barbell will separate through the course of its motion through the Earth’s magnetic field.

As the genital piercing moves through the Earth’s magnetic field, a force is exerted on the charge carriers (electrons) within it, deflecting them to one side of the piercing. Since electrons are negatively charged, an excess negative charge accumulates at one end of the piercing, leaving an excess positive charge at the other. This sets up a dipole in the barbell which changes its polarity every time Willy changes his direction.

Now, according to Maxwell’s equations, any oscillating charged object must necessarily radiate energy in the form of electromagnetic radiation. This means that Willy’s metal tool box will act as a dipole radiator. While Willy will only emit his load through a few consecutive oscillations towards the end of his job, his ampallang will emit electromagnetic radiation with every oscillation with the youthful consistency of an electron in a TV transmitter broadcasting Playboy’s College Girls’ Video Centrefold.

Mind you, this is nothing out of the ordinary – it is something that happens every day during sex with genital piercings. It’s just that, at the ordinary pace of most sex performed on this planet, the frequency of radiation produced is of about as much interest as the activity itself. Things get a lot more interesting at velocities approaching the speed of light.

For instance, a charged rod oscillating with a stroke length of nine inches at an average speed of 90% the speed of light will act as a dipole radiator emitting radiation in the order of GHz. This is coincidentally in the same region of the electromagnetic spectrum reserved for cell phone communication meaning that, even with these conservative estimates, Willy’s tool box could act as a cell phone jammer.

It must be noted, however, that this effect can only occur when none of the barbell axis, direction of motion or Earth’s magnetic field lines are parallel to each other, and it is most effective when all three axes are perpendicular. This translates to sex with genital piercings in the missionary position or doggy-style on a bed aligned with the Earth’s magnetic field lines, which is in curious agreement with the Chinese art of furniture placement, Feng Shui.

The ancient Chinese have been secretly wise to the fact that aligning their beds with the Earth’s magnetic field cleanses, balances and harmonizes the resident’s body by allowing him or her to engage in near luminal intercourse with genital piercings in peace without fear of interruption by cell phone thus enriching love, relationships, good fortune and health. This is the science of Feng Shui.

That said, as an extension of Feng Shui philosophy, near luminal intercourse with genital piercings in the missionary position or doggy-style should be encouraged as a natural alternative in any situation where an electronic cell phone jammer could otherwise be used – during bank robberies, church ceremonies, university exams, etc. These days, cellular communication protocols guarantee immunity against narrow-band disturbance by sending signals over different frequencies for a single phone, so in order to interfere with calls over a wide-bandwidth erratic thrusts are most effective.

On the other hand, near luminal intercourse with genital piercings in the doggy style or missionary position should be discouraged during airplane flights, where GHz radio signals are used for aircraft navigation. This is fairly commonsense, and is probably censored from the safety procedures due to its pornographic content.

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Since the end of the twentieth century, Dr John Marshall, Ph.D. Sexual Physics has been a sex and relationships writer taking the little-known sexual wisdom from the ivory tower realm of the theoretical physicist to the layperson.
Feel free to write to him at [email protected] or you can visit his webpage at

© John Marshall, 2003